Composition tip:
Read this student’s introduction.
Student’s intro:
I still could remember that day, that fine and sunny day. It was one of the worst experiences I had ever experienced. Let me take you through that experience. It all started on a fine Friday afternoon.
Notes:
– Good attempt at a flashback.
– However, links such as “it all started…”, “let me tell you…”, “memories flowed back…” are all too cliche. You won’t fail but you won’t get an A1.
– Why bother telling me if it’s a fine day? And you used the word “fine” twice. “Fine” is one of the taboo words I advise my students against using. It could be a fine day, a fine gentleman, a fine hairstyle. Anything could be fine.
– Why tell me the weather is great when the day is bad?
– If weather’s fine and it’s the worst thing experience, there is a dramatic contrast you are not making use of.
– Show, not tell. You are not telling me how fine the day nor how bad the experience was.
– There was nothing hooking me to read the read of the story.
A rewrite based on what the student tried to convey:
I could still remember that day like it was yesterday when my heart broke into smithereens. The weather was perfect- the sun rose in a pool of crimson and gold, spilling light over the land. It was also that day when I learnt the weather is never an indicator of things to come because if it were, the climate would have been an ominous, grey sky threatening rain. As I recalled the events that day, my heart couldn’t help but rip apart, as a lone tear careened down my cheek…
– The weather is better described vs “fine”.
– Show the link between the good weather and bad event. Why you bothered writing about it.
– Try to hook the reader to read further because they may want to know what broke your heart so badly.
– Poignancy. Poignancy is always a good way to get the reader hooked.
Now, try one yourself. Like and share this post if it’s useful!