Question:
With this circuit breaker, we are all forced to be together 24/7 in a small apartment. It has just been a couple of days and you cannot imagine the amount of quarrels we have had as a family. There is one more month to go (if we are lucky). What can we do?
Answer:
I have no good reply for that because I believe everyone is struggling with this new rule to help prevent the virus from proliferating further. I do believe it’s always easier/better to have your loved ones in small doses but this is something we cannot control, so let’s look at the positives and the variables which we could change.
1) Set boundaries
Have a set of house rules that everyone agrees with. Begin with this so that it is clear what is expected, even if you have been living together for more than a decade.
a) The rules must include inputs from all parties, including the child, so it is not extremely unfair to one party. Your quirks may be reasonable to you, but it may not be to others.
Example: You can request for your child to wash his plates after dinner. He can also request that you stop chatting with Aunt Macy on the phone after 10pm because it disturbs him.
All family members must have the ability to set their boundaries.
b) Add penalties so no party needs to nag. (which is usually the source of conflict.)
E.g. If the rule is to clean up after himself, he gets punished after three strikes. Punishment could be something like a dollar fine or taking away his screen time. Something that hurts.
Same goes to you. If the strike system is in place and you still nag, you get three strikes. If you repeat yourself relentlessly for three times on the same issue, he gets certain privileges eg. playing more phone games.
c) Even though your house may be small, it is still important to set aside space for everyone.
For instance, no communication after 10pm. Everyone can do what he/she wants.
If the child (especially a teen) has a room to himself, he should be allowed to close the door without you barging in. Why do you need to know what he is doing after 10pm?
2) Learn to be less particular about certain things
It’s all about give and take when living under one roof.
So he didn’t finish his dinner. Let it go.
So he had studied only four hours, not five. Let it go.
We need to learn to pick battles.
3) It is okay to go for a walk/jog alone.
I would think it is therapeutic to be away from your family members for a while. Take occasional walks (while being safe) . It clears your mind and also gives everyone some additional space.
Notice I had only focused on parent-child behaviour. Remember this applies to spouses too. You could get on the nerves of each other. If you are in a multi-generational family with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law living with you, you should set the above rules for all, even the grandparents. We don’t want any Korean drama-type conflicts in this one month.
While it is probably not easy, remember it’s not all about you.
It is just as tough for the child, or the wife/husband or in-laws. Everyone is struggling to cope with this. You do not have it the toughest. Stop victimizing yourself for a second.
See this as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to bond with your family. Show care and concern to one another and enjoy one another’s presence as much as possible.
Most importantly,
1)DON’T NAG.
Nagging never helps.
2) It’s not all about you.
You cannot get everything you want. Living together means you have to compromise, not always get your way. There is no monarchy system in Singapore, so we tolerate no princesses/princes, no matter how young or how old you are.
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